sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
