We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Let's get the cat blown out
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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