My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
