if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
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OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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