i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
