I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
