so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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