Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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