sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
