So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
time to smoke my breakfast
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
