3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just pynch a tree in the face
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
