Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
