smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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