If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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