Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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