6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
