I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
