I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I think people are normalizing furries
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
