Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i think i have two assholes
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
