don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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