I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
