if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
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He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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