In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
no you cant smoke seaweed
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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