It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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