If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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