He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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