You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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