Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
