Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
