if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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