I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
