tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
