I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
