just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
