I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Oh god it's open bar.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
