I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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