When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
