If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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