the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
