I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Randomize