Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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