her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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