apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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