I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
