it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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