It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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