look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
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