you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
