There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
