I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
