omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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