Betty ford says i'm here all night
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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