Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
