mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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