I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
BRING THE BAGELS
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
