Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
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